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| Image Source: https://caitlinhudon.com/2018/01/19/imposter-syndrome-in-data-science/ |
Greetings from the abyss that is my brain at times. Some days I truly feel that I can't compete. I don't compare to the other graduates going for the same job a little over a year after graduation.
I'm not an idiot, I knew things wouldn't just be handed to me. That's not what I'm talking about.
I've worked at a computer graphics company for over 2 years now and I feel as if people still won't even look at me for an internship. I need to learn about 10 more computer programs than the 20 or so I already know (yes, I'm probably exaggerating) and I need a better portfolio.
Programs are long and arduous processes to learn. My portfolio would be better if most of the stuff I worked on at work could legally be shown in public. Yes, there are things such as password protected portfolios to show but the trick is getting someone to even look at you to begin with. For instance, those web applications? Turns out many of them actually pre-sort you out if you select certain things like too high of a base salary or something. I can't tell them I'd be willing to work for less but that I didn't want to sell myself short. No. It's a web app, it doesn't care. So I tend to say that my base salary is zero in some of these things.
That stuff aside, my main point is imposter syndrome. I find myself unable to even look at other people's art because it no longer inspires me, it terrifies me to the point of procrastination on my own work. Art also takes time and when you're looking at art websites like ArtStation, it seems so incredibly vast and that most other people except you produce masterpieces daily so you may as well go off in your shabby wannabe artist corner and set fire to your computer because it's just easier to give up. Call it a day. Hell, call it a year. So what if you spent thousands on that bachelor's degree? You got a job that slightly relates to what you want to do and you don't have to flip burgers for a living. So what if you once had dreams and aspirations and that you feel your soul shriveling up with each passing day that you don't take that leap.
Get off the internet, you tell yourself [half-heartedly], go for a walk and then get right to it [you still don't believe yourself].... The video games, books, social life, et cetera that you have piled up since starting school are calling in the distance. But your stuck, immobilized by fear of becoming nothing and yet still you procrastinate. The hours tick by and you're nothing but a stinking pile of useless that has done nothing except open the program you intended to work in tonight and now you have to go to bed. You move a polygon, you adjust a vert, you sigh under your sheets knowing you aren't going to have enough sleep for even work in the morning because it took you all your energy and all night just to get started.
By the end of the week you want to cry and can't justify pitying yourself that much. You did it to yourself. You'll try again next week.
